Even I Cannot Make This Stuff Up, Folks

Musings of an Aging Mind

By Jack Bagley

If, like me, you find yourself scrambling for those last-minute Christmas gift ideas, you might find the following information helpful – or at least wildly amusing. And if you’re one of those people who took care of their holiday shopping months ago, read on anyway and maybe you’ll get a laugh.
As I do what little Christmas shopping I have to do, I find something to be more and more true:
We live in an incredibly strange society these days.
If you wonder what I mean, check out the online registry Craigslist. There you can get literally anything – including someone to pretend to be your significant other for a day; someone who will be your personal alarm clock; someone who will follow you around and remind you what time it is. All for a fee, of course, and all for … well, I am not exactly sure why.
Just go on Craigslist and you will find:
A personal alarm clock.  A man named Sam hires himself out to come to your house and yell at you to wake up. That’s it. He yells at you to get you up, gives you a little insult to get your day started, and all you have to do is pay him.
If that’s a little too intrusive (and let’s face it, the whole idea is very intrusive), how about Burt? Burt’s a very … interesting … fellow who says he will drive anybody and anything anywhere, as long as he gets paid. The trip isn’t the greatest ride – Burt drives a 2000 Dodge 1500 Ram van, and he has an alarming tendency to rack up careless or reckless driving tickets, but hey – as long as you pay him.
What’s that you say?  You don’t need someone to wake you up, and you don’t need to be driven anywhere? Well, fret thee not, because there is more, much more.
For the person who has everything, why not get them a wrestling sparring partner? A man trying to get into the WWE or something needs a sparring partner, and you don’t even have to know how to wrestle.  All you have to do is show up, give him money, and let him throw you all over the ring.
His ad says “headgear optional but recommended.” I’d recommend a football helmet.
The discerning Christmas shopper will definitely want to look into the next one … a rent-a-wife.
Yes, you can literally rent the time of a young lady who will pose as your spouse for a period of time. I think I’ll just leave this one here, and let you figure out what’s all involved in the … uh … service.
If you’re the adventurous type, have I got the deal for you – help a man test his K-9 suit. No, you don’t dress up like Scooby-Doo … you wear a suit that protects you from a dog attack, and you pay the man to let his dog attack you.
The dog, by the way, looks like a combination of a pit bull, a Rottweiler, a German Shepherd, and a velociraptor. The suit is used – very well used – and I won’t vouch for whatever protection it actually affords.
You can be a foot model! Yes, foot models are needed for “custom content.” I don’t think I’d want to do this, as my feet are anything but photogenic.
Why not go all-out for that special someone in your life and get them a furry? For the uninitiated, a furry is a person who dresses up as an animal (one with fur, I would imagine) and pretends to acutally be that animal.
People involved in the furry lifestyle are quick to point out that one can be anything they wish, and they take it seriously … the person in the video paid almost $2,000 for their “animal” suit, which I readily admit I couldn’t at first identify.
I have absolutely no idea what one would do with a furry, and I also have no desire to find out.
One ad in the video was simply, “I Need Help.” What did the person need help with? Building a cabinet, washing dishes, and putting up shower curtains in the restroom.
That’s an ad I hope I never have to place. I’m currently putting together a new computer desk, I have a dishwasher, and my shower curtains took maybe five minutes to install. I can’t imagine a life where you have to ask for help to get such mundane things done (and before you send me nasty notes, the person who placed the ad admitted she was perfectly fine and could do it herself; she just didn’t want to).
You know what? I’m just going to finish my shopping at a big box store or use one of the “traditional” websites like eBay.
You, of course, may do as you desire.